Lost Somewhere in Time...

A lost feeling has always been around, no matter which the place. It's always been with me, more faithful than my shadow, and totally invisible to the world outside of me. Well, more than my shadow, I suppose. Shadows, I've heard, exist only when there's light. That is so much unlike this feeling, which manifests itself in the form of darkness - haunting, disturbing and at times fondling.

I wonder if it's also a feeling of having been born 2 decades too late. The feeling gets to the extent of being nauseating in the midst of sophistication. Not technical sophistication, no, not the gadget kind. Sophistication of minds, sophistication of values... and trying to sophisticate something as wild as the mind could not be anything short of Apocalypse.

But again, nobody seems affected. Are they or aren't they? Not even "they" can tell... Everybody seem to have developed a natural skill to fabricate themselves into the same pattern. The few that don't are outlawed and ridiculed as no-gooders. Now, this whole idea of good and bad can be trashed over several volumes, but never mind. We'll let the terms stay.

This whole idea - that of trying to mould oneself into a conventional pattern and present oneself in that way to the world while not quite knowing why - seems to spring from competition. Competition for what, I'm never quite sure, but people are competing. There was a time, long back, when people all over were fighting one another. That was for food, for a day of life. Sustenance. That's what it was.

But today, somehow, the whole game has changed. The fight to survive has long since become insignificant. Dominance. Ah yes, that's keyword now. The buzzword. People, now having learnt to sustain, want to dominate. Whom? Fellow beings perhaps? The world? Maybe! Countries wanting the world on their side is not unheard of.

And somehow it seems the right thing to do. There are lots of people wanting to dominate. There are also lots who don't. And, I suppose, those are the very people who bear the brunt. Often tagged meek and losers, they're subject to mental vandalism by the "respected" bunch with power.

I've probably gone a little off track, but it's hard not to mention what you see. The change has come about in the last 2 decades or so. Where the focus seems to've shifted from enjoying life to maximizing the benefits out of life. And if 20 years I could lie on my bed listening to Rafi Saab and be deemed a romantic, something similar now and I'm termed national waste. Of course, I'm not contributing to the per capita income. I'm not writing source codes in some alien programming language and showing myself off to be a good developer and an awful engineer.

You can never understate your self, you've got to market yourself well. Oh I must stop! All this is just too much to take. I never will be able to appreciate this way of life. Where individuality is taken away to be replaced by a multitude of processes. And where the essence of life is replaced by a lifeless mechanical system. The heartbeat by a pacer. And we're all morons for not living our lives that way!

I detest it... I detest it so much, I wanna give it all up and walk out on this existence. Atleast for the peace of having done one thing with all my heart.